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User blog:MP999/Bane Vs A Loaf Of Bread
Bane Vs A Loaf of Bread is an upcoming April Fool's Day Fight by MP999. Intro Wiz: The world of fiction is home to some crazy powerful people. Goku. Superman. Godzilla. Darth Vader. Boomstick: Some universes are just so downright strong, it becomes hard to respect the people closer to humanity. Wiz: They may be strong, but in the face of such terrifyingly powerful opposition, they just pale in comparison, and thus earn an unfair reputation in versus debates. One such example is Bane, the breaker of the Bat. Boomstick: He's Wiz, wearing a beret, and I'm Boomstick, wearing a leather jacket. Today, we're kinda the Mythbusters. Wiz: And it's our job to analyze Bane's weapons, armour, and skills, in order to find out if it's actually possible that he could lose to a loaf of bread. Bane Wiz: Brain and brawn have most often held an inverse relationship. The stronger you are, the less cunning you are. But since both are required to survive in a criminal world as deadly as the DC universe, those who possess both are forces to be reckoned with. Boomstick: Forces that even the world’s best men can’t handle without breaking. Forces that are a bane to those who fight for justice. Wiz: Born as a victim of injustice himself, Bane quickly learned it is better to be feared than respected when his revolutionary father was branded a criminal. Born in prison, Bane was forced to serve a life sentence in the stead of his father who had managed to escape. Boomstick: Worst judicial system ever. Wiz: With his entire world being confined to the inside of the prison walls, all of Bane’s life was an uphill struggle backed by serious effort. When he was not being pushed around by the older crowd, he was either working in the gym, or reading, determined to train both body and mind. Boomstick: By meditating and learning about outside life and philosophies from imprisoned scholars, Bane developed a pretty dark view on humanity as a whole. And by working out every single day, he became strong enough to bend metal bars as if they were plastic straws. It was only a matter of time before he broke the prison... I mean broke out of prison. Wiz: Close, but not yet. Boomstick: Oh, right, we forgot about the knife-happy teddy bear! Wiz: No, we forgot about the Venom. Boomstick: Ooooh. Right. Wiz: Bane had become a monster of a man. Everyone in the prison bended to his will. He could speak over four languages fluently, solve complex mathematical equations, defeat chess masters, and most importantly, rule others through fear. Once even the prison guards started to avoid Bane, fearing escape imminent, the warden of Pena Duro subjected Bane to an experimental drug called Venom, which had killed every other subject before. Boomstick: But to the shock and awe of the doctors, Bane survived the injection and found his strength had increased to superhuman levels. Commence breakout. Wiz: Bane and his gang fled to Gotham City and found themselves in a world ruled by the Batman, who also used fear, skill and brains to rule the criminal underworld. And thus began the greatest gambit in comic books history, when Bane freed all of Batman’s enemies from prison. All of them. Boomstick: Batman may be legendary, but he’s only a man. After months of rounding them all up, he returned to the Batcave only to discover a monster luchador waiting for him, having deduced Batman’s identity. Wiz: An impressive feat on its own, given that criminals and citizens who had spent years in the shadow of the Bat couldn’t identify his similarities to Bruce Wayne. Boomstick: Tired from his months of work, Batman was no match for Bane, who proceeded to break his back and cripple him for good. With the caped crusader out of the way, criminals once again began to rule Gotham City. Wiz: Bane’s physical strength is his greatest attribute in battle while his mind helps him out with planning and trapping enemies in inescapable situations. Combined with his martial arts prowess and he is a very deadly foe, capable of defeating even the most seasoned of the Bat Family in hand to hand combat. He can punch through steel, send adult men flying, crack exo suits, and destroy stone walls. Boomstick: It doesn’t help that when he’s on Venom, he is strong enough to bend metal doors by ragdolling a poor son of a bitch, and kill multiple people in a single punch. He can topple statues, outmuscle Killer Croc, and break open metal confinements when he’s so close to death he can hear the songs of the angels. Wiz: Bane’s bulk and strength is also complimented by unexpected speeds. The number of times Bane has closed gaps and defeated enemies before they can pull the trigger of a gun is massive, but he can even dodge bullets after they’ve been fired from behind wooden walls. Boomstick: It’s rumoured that the unfortunate souls that do manage to hit him with a bullet can faintly see “0 DMG” rise up out of his head before he brutally murders them. Same with those who stab him. Or smash his face into concrete. Or hit him point blank with thunder and lightning blasts. For a regular human, Bane is an impressive damage soaker. Wiz: And only so much of it is due to the Venom, because even while off of it, he remains a deadly foe. Unfortunately, Venom isn’t permanent, and when its effects wear off, Bane can go through horrible withdrawal symptoms. Thus he developed an addiction to the drug, and eventually forced himself to stay off of it. Though extreme doses of venom can degrade his mental state and rob him of his usual intellect, he rarely goes that far. Boomstick: Bane is also afraid of Bats thanks to the Venom, being haunted by nightmares of a Bat-like creature ever since he was in prison. He got over this fear quite easily, not only by Breaking Batman’s spine, but also knocking out the monstrous Man-Bat in a single punch. Wiz: Although seemingly invincible, Bane is also only a human. He has been knocked out with enough force before, only to escape confinement once regaining a shred of consciousness. He has never managed to truly match his feat of breaking Batman’s spine, especially since the replacement Batman was violent and bladed enough to sever Bane’s venom tubes and defeat him. Boomstick: But Bane always comes back. The vast majority of his fights with Batman have ended in a draw despite Batman’s renowned combat skills. Even Azrael, the Batman who defeated him, fell to his hand eventually in a drugless rematch. Wiz: Bane has been granted the honour as heir to the league of assassins, has bathed in a sacred Lazarus Pit, teamed up with Batman himself to save the world, lead a country to democracy... and then started a civil war in the same country just a couple months later. Bane: He is the current kingpin on the global supply of Venom, and leader of the mercenary group the secret six. With his daddy issues resolved and finally granted a life with opportunity to not be hunted, Bane’s true heart has begun to show. Wiz: During a time when the real Batman was presumed dead, Bane acted as the Dark Knight in his stead, saving the lives of the innocent in Gotham before passing on the mantle and his blessing onto Robin with a simple “God help you.” Boomstick: But if you think that’s going to stop him from snapping your neck with a tiny squeeze if you piss him off, then God help YOU. Bane: So, as I terrorize Gotham, I will feed its people hope to poison their souls. I will let them believe they can survive so that you can watch them clamoring over each other to "stay in the sun." You can watch me torture an entire city and when you have truly understood the depth of your failure, we will fulfill Ra's al Ghul's destiny... We will destroy Gotham and then, when it is done and Gotham is ashes... then you have my permission to die. Bread Wiz: It should come as no surprise that every living organism runs on some type of energy, most commonly referred to as food. Without the nutrients or energy supplied by ingesting food, nothing would be able to live. Boomstick: Humans, being the smart people we are, have been finding ways to forge food to our liking, and have been doing so for thousands of years. With the advent of the pizza, perhaps we have reached the pinnacle of evolution. Wiz: Amongst such top contenders such as fish, rice, and wild berries, the food that remains the most commonly eaten object across the globe is bread; a staple contribution to human history, and the food industry as a whole. Boomstick: The sandwich. The pizza. The burger. The baked Tuscan bread and vegetable soup my mum makes every Christmas. None of these delicacies would be possible without bread. Wiz: Bread is most commonly born from a dough mixture derived from flour and water, then baked into a harder substance. The first archeological evidence of use of wheat this way comes from 30 000 years ago, and ever since then, thousands of different variations have developed. I guess you could say we’ve “bred” different species. Boomstick: The ingredients change depending on how exactly you want your loaf to come out. Its even possible to add living organisms called yeast to help the dough rise. Wiz: In the modern age, unnatural but still healthy additives are commonly added to commercially sold bread in order to increase flavour and prolong expiration, though its commonly agreed that homemade bread tastes best. Boomstick: Depending, of course, on where you’re from and what you want. Common variations of bread include buns, pretzels, multigrain, whole wheat, wafers, cornbread, sourdough, crackers, croutons, baguettes, pancakes, bannock, crumpets, naan, pitas, tortillas, rye, toast, crepes, waffles, scones, bagels, English muffins, and... rainbow bread. And that’s barely scratching the surface. Wiz: Most of the time, plain bread isn’t enough, and a loaf can be embellished by various toppings such as cold cuts, vegetables, condiments, and my personal favourite, vegemite. Boomstick: I still have no idea how you can like vegemite, Wiz. It tastes like compost. Wiz: As a key factor in the production of bread is the process of baking, the crispiness and toughness of bread can be controlled. Pure burnt bread possesses charcoal-like properties and can be hazardous to eat, and bread left out in the open for too long can be hard enough to damage human teeth, which are strong enough to easily bite off bone fingers. Boomstick: If Bread is allowed to rise too much, it can overflow and damage kitchen appliances like ovens. Remember, some kitchen appliances are able to withstand nuclear blasts! Just ask Indiana Jones! Wiz: It also makes your mum's soup taste disgusting. I just tried it. Boomstick: As a result of human cultivation, Bread can actually be poisonous to other species, including ducks. And it unfortunately doesn’t meet every nutritional requirement set by the World Health Organization. Hell, too much bread can kill you! Bread contains dihydrogen monoxide, an acid with a higher ph than any other acid known to man, Calcium Proponoate which was linked to ADD in the early 90’s, azodicarbonamide, a bleaching agent, ascorbic acid, which can cause heartburn in large amounts, and DATEM, which has been linked to heart muscle overgrowth. Boomstick: It’s also possible for bread to deceive and make people believe unhealthy foods are now nutritionally balanced. Slices of bread in bun fashion can act as a healthy disguise for greasy, delicious, heart-attack causing burgers and hot dogs underneath. Wiz: And as the world’s most popular food, it has seen its fair share of mutation. In fiction, Lembas bread from Middle Earth can fill the stomach of a grown man in a single bite, which not only defies physics, but is also dangerous as it can prevent people from getting other nutrients. Overeating Lembas bread can cause severe stomach pains, and possibly even death. Boomstick: The scientists on the Muppets manufactured a bread monster that went on a rampage, managing to frighten people smart enough to design cupcake bombs and banana sharpeners. But perhaps the most deadly usage of bread occurred when a single loaf was teleported for days on end. Wiz: The resulting monster loaf was enormous, and managed to mutate a giant mouth with teeth and mutant tentacles. Its tough skin could shrug off bullets and fire, and it was strong enough to take on a team of armed men, flinging them around as if they were light as feathers. Boomstick: It took a massive bomb to be able to take it down, and even then, the whole body was not destroyed. But the Monster loaf’s tough skin can work against it, because a lack of digestive materials and internal organs make its inside an ideal to place to hide and be safe from outside attacks. Wiz: In fact, all forms of bread have key weaknesses. Bread is not considered a sentient organism because it doesn’t meet the requirements for a living creature such as the ability to respond to stimuli or reproduce. Boomstick: Mold can cause the loaf to decay and become inedible, and certain creatures are capable of breaking down bread molecule by molecule until its nothing but dirt. Wiz: But yet it remains the most eaten food across the globe, in every single continent. Bread has even made its way to Antarctica in the form of sandwiches bought by explorers. Boomstick: All hail to you, bread, relative and close companion of the world’s best drink: beer. Engineer: So, we’re fine. As long as nobody teleports any bread. Soldier: Question! Engineer: What’s your question, soldier? Soldier: I teleported bread! Engineer: What? Soldier: You told me to! Engineer: How... much...? Soldier: I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days! Everyone freaks the fuck out. Interlude Wiz: All right, the combatant and the part of a nutritious breakfast are set, lets end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE! Death Battle! An abandoned warehouse sets the stage for the match; several dozen goons with guns are lining the grounds, pointing their weapons at the door. Screams can be heard from the other side, and the door flies open at such a high speed it gets knocked off the hinges and crashes into several gunmen. Bane runs through the door holding the body of the guards he killed, and throws them at the remaining henchmen. Ducking under the bullets fired at him, he finishes off the last ones with a lariat, and looks up to see the Joker standing on a catwalk. Joker: Well well, Mr. Snakey-wakey venom wenom himself! Bane: You know why I am here, Joker! Only I can produce the venom! Joker: Well, perhaps you need to try and outsource more! Always so serious, never stopping to realize the jokes that come with good business practice! The Joker holds up a USB in one hand, and a clicker in the other. Joker: You’ve undoubtedly already destroyed my labs, but the rest of the data is on this little stick thingy here. Unfortunately, this other little stick thingy holds a dastardly surprise! I suggest you don’t take one more step! Bane takes two steps, and Joker rolls his eyes and clicks the button. Crates on the ceiling open up and hundreds of loaves of bread fall out, of varying shapes and types. Joker: Tah tah! Joke’s on you, Bane! Bane: You damn clown! The Joker runs away as Bane faces the bread loaves. FIGHT!!! Bane runs up and grabs a bun, pulling up the lower half of his mask and devouring it in one bite. Sensing the plate of wafers close behind him, he turns at lightning speed and begins to shove them into his mouth while ripping open a loaf of multigrain bread and preparing a cold cut sandwhich. The wafers and sandwich are soon gone, but Bane isn’t out of the woods yet. A baguette falls from the crate above and narrowly misses impaling him; Bane breaks it over his knee and tosses it aside. Picking up to croissants, he throws them like boomerangs to chop a cable holding up a massive steel beam; the beam falls and crushes many of the loaves flat, including several unleavened loaves and ciabatta buns. Bane takes a step forward and steps on a loose plank, which goes down into the floor and shoots several bagels at him from a few meters away. Bane holds out his hand and the bagels ring around his fingers; he then crushes them in his grip. Seeing another loaf nearby, he picks it up and takes a bite. Bane: Gah! Sourdough! Bane drop-kicks the sourdough out of the warehouse, and looks around him to see several more loaves not taken care of. Bane gets especially frustrated when he sees that the beam he dropped had no effect on the flatbreads and tortillas, which were already flat. In a rage, he picks them up and rips them to shreds. Running by and eating the more sweet loaves, Bane stops to see a loaf of bread so burnt it has become pure black, hard charcoal. Bane: A pity... Bane doesn’t give the burnt loaf a chance, picking it up and rapidly scraping it against the floor, wearing it out like some type of bread pencil until crumbs are all that remain. Bane’s rampage against the bread continues, and he destroys, stomps, and eats loaves left right and center. Upon spotting a morsel wrapped in leavse, he picks it up and takes a bite; he then drops it and clutches his stomach. Bane: Ah! I can't eat any more! Upon realizing there’s too much bread to handle, he smacks his belt and the tubes leading into his body glow with green liquid. Suddenly, the Muppet bread monster bursts out of a crate and runs towards the mercenary. Bane is too fast, however, and grabs the monster by the head, slamming it down to the ground and attempting to break it over his knee. The monster’s felt skin bends harmlessly over his leg. Bane: Resistant to my signature attack? It does not help you! Bane rips the monster in half, and stomps the floor so hard all the remaining loaves fly into the air. Bane picks up the beam and spins it around with his hands, striking all the loaves and sending them flying out of the warehouse. Bane: Too easy... Bane’s victory is cut short when a wall of the warehouse begins to shake. Bane eyes it as indents in it begin to form, and suddenly, a massive bread monster with tentacles breaks out from the other side. Bane runs toward is, and though he manages to duck under one tentacle swipe, another launches him into the air. A third tentacle grabs his leg when he’s in the air and slams him down, but bane struggles to his feet, grabs the tentacle, and rips it off. The monster cries in pane before charging Bane, who barely rolls to the side and punches it, only for his fist to soak into the spongy flesh. Bane is helpless to resist as the Monster picks him up again and throws him into a massive stack of crates. Bane begins to climb the crate tower as the monster runs after him, before he gets high enough to grab a hook on the ceiling. Swinging down, Bane hooks the claw in between two of the monster’s teeth, lifting it into the air and holding it from the ceiling, mouth wide open as it struggles. Bane: Away with you! Joder sus chistes! Bane drops into the monster’s mouth and pulls a stuffed teddy bear out from his pocket. Unzipping the back, he pulls out a switchblade knife, and activates the blade. The monster screams, and is sliced open from the inside. The bottom half falls to the ground while the upper half remains suspended from the ceiling; Bane himself drops out, covered in dough and goop. Bane: You know nothing of my strength, Joker! I’m coming for you now! K.O!!! Bane leaves the building out the path Joker went. The bread corpses don’t do anything, because they are bread corpses. Results Boomstick: For those who seriously thought a regular loaf of bread could beat Bane, I plead for you to get your brains checked and to reconsider versus debating as a hobby. And for those of you who thought we’d make the bread win just for lolz... why would we do that? Wiz: For starters, bread isn’t omniversal. In a famous historical event, Jesus of Nazareth, son of the Christian God, broke a loaf of bread. The track record continues to worsen as bread’s soft structure makes it easily breakable by even the weakest of humans, leaving no question that Bane could rip it apart. Boomstick: Bread is the world’s most popular food, especially in the Central Americas. Bane hasn’t shown any allergies to bread-based ingredients, or reluctance to eat gluten, and his massive sculpted body is an indication of a very healthy diet, which would likely include bread. All the time he’s spent in prison helps this theory, as the cheapness and basic-ness of many types of bread makes them ideal for adding to prison meals. Wiz: Stale, moldy, or downright disgusting bread may not be as edible, but Bane did not need to eat the bread to destroy it. While bread can get extremely hard under certain circumstances, Bane was able to top over a several-ton statue with strength alone. Since he was also able to swing hard enough to bend metal doors using people, he could easily BFR the bread should it miraculously prove too tough. Boomstick: All those dangerous chemicals in bread we mentioned? Actually quite harmless. I mean, dihydrogen monoxide is just water, and ascorbic acid is vitamin C. It would take severe doses of these to be harmful, yet Bane has managed to stave off the dangerous drug venom, so it would take probably one thousand loaves to provide enough to cause health problems... but only if he ate them all in one sitting. Wiz: Lack of sentience was the bread’s biggest weakness. As a non-living object, the bread could not react in any way to Bane’s attacks, or create attacks of its own. This all left the bread with only two options: the two bread monsters. Boomstick: The Muppet Bread Monster would be impressive if the Muppets it attacked had any combat feats worth noting. Bane was able to trounce Killer Croc, a being with similar ferociousness and higher durability. And the TF2 Bread Monster was... well, something else. Definitely Bane’s biggest threat in this match. But not enough. Wiz: The monster loaf’s main method of attack was just to pick things up and slam them around, which wasn’t enough to put down the red team. Bane’s durability was too much for this to be a problem, as he basically bounces bullets off and doesn’t even flinch when slammed down by a being who hunts Amazons for fun. Though more than likely it was physically stronger, its lack of intelligence and effective killing manoeuvres contributed to its downfall. Boomstick: The bread monster may be insanely durable to bullets, but so is Bane. It was also completely vulnerable to being attacked from the inside, where not only was it not able to digest victims, but also provided its own tough body as insulation for those inside. If someone like the Scout could figure this out, then Bane sure as hell could since he’s a tactical genius. Bane could then proceed to attack the bread monster from the inside using bladed weaponry, such as the knife he keeps inside his teddy bear Ostito. Wiz: In the end, inanimate objects and a brainless beast were no match for the near-superhuman mercenary who has gone up against the toughest and survived. Boomstick: Bane didn’t bite off more than he could chew in this battle! Wiz: The winner is Bane, what the hell else did you expect? 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